Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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