i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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