I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
