You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize