You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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