Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
