Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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