just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
