just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
