he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
