I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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