imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
