My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
