you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
