at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
