I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
