dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
