I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I just found puke in my bra..
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
