I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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