I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
