Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
