I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize