i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
