4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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