the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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