But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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