ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Someone shattered a urinal.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
