Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
