Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
