i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
