Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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