I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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