Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
