im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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