I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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