I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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