dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
