i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
