Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
