i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
