Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I understand Curling. That high.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
