i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize