I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
