I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
