So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
