someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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