I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
