i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
