By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
