At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
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