and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
she told me i tasted like america
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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