i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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