we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You can't just leave with hair like that
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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