i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
