The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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