Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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