No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
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