Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
