i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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