you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
