my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
