I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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