Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
