I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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