i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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