To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
