So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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